We went to mom's Easter play tonight at her church, and I really liked it. It was a little too deep for the boys, but I think that it was just what I needed. The pastor, at the end, talked about how the "fear of death" died on the cross, if we'd just let it... this spoke volumes to me!
Those of you that don't know me on an extremely personal level, don't know that I suffer immensely from hypochondria. I'm pretty sure it stems from some pretty traumatic things that have happened in my past, but either way, it's here, and it's VERY real in my life. I think about death, every single day of my life, and I am terrified of it. I'm terrified of leaving my boys. Because of this, I also have a fear of going out into public, because I am afraid that something bad is going to happen, and that my kids are going to see it. I won't go into too much detail, but my list of problems are: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Hypochondria, Anxiety and panic disorder, Agoraphobia, and Social Anxiety Disorder. Basically, every minute of every day, something is scaring the crap out of me. It's very scary to deal with, and I feel like I have virtually NO quality of life. If it weren't for my kids, I don't know that I'd even have a life at all.
When the pastor said this tonight - it really hit me - I am dying EVERY day. I am missing my kids EVERY day. I am missing out on the regular joys of life, because of my fears! So the thing that I am most afraid of (death), has already taken my life, because I am NOT living! Why waste my time being so afraid of something that I have absolutely NO control over? Why put my kids through that? Why make them feel like they are so much less significant because of my own struggles?
This Easter, 2011, is going to be a memorable one. Jesus died for our sins, and rose again, and this began a new life. He rose again, so that we may have abundant life, a life worth living - and I am not taking full advantage of that abundant life like I should be. I'm not using it to better myself, and to show Jesus to people like I should be. Well, my sweet Jesus, this year, I'm rising with you. My life is going to be like nothing it has ever been before. I'm loving harder, laughing more, and living like I'm not promised tomorrow... because I'm not... and I'm not afraid anymore. Because when the day DOES come, and He does decide that it's my time to go... I'm going to be with the most unselfish, caring, loving, beautiful person who has ever lived... and He will take care of my children for me until I get to see them again. That, my dear friends, is worth being happy about.
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